When talking about my daughter’s I always said; Kayla is the laid-back one; artistic; she plays the flute, loves all types of music, is fascinated with learning how to speak Korean, and LOVES make-up. Leah is the spoiled baby; she learned early on she had options…three older sisters. Autumn is the one that loves hair, nails, sneakers, sneakers, and more sneakers. She’s also the hot-headed yet sensitive child. She will hurt your feeling, get mad that you’re mad, and then want to hug you. Sydney has always been the bubbly, silly, happy-go-lucky kid. She never wanted anyone to be sad, and she would give in to her sisters to keep the peace. She loves colors, singing, photography, and dancing (even though she doesn’t have any rhythm…LOL). If anyone asked me to describe the girls, those descriptions would be exactly how I would describe them. However, I did not realize that I was treating them according to my perception of their personalities.
I learned while visiting Sydney in the hospital a few years back, that she felt bound by that description, or should I say that perception that I had of her. She believed it was an expectation. She believed she always had to be happy and bubbly even when she was feeling sad. She thought she wouldn’t be accepted if she was to step outside of the box that I had placed her in. She wouldn’t even allow herself to be sick. She would be smiling at the visits and would say she was doing great, but I would get a report the following day that she had a breakdown. Why was she lying to me about how she was feeling? After crying and praying, I had to apologize for not allowing her to be herself. I had to admit to myself that maybe I don’t know my baby girl as well as I thought did. After the self-pity and guilt subsided, I had to figure out how to change my behavior. I needed to find a way to help her embrace every side of her amazing personality. I found a movie that I thought would help, ”The Emoji Movie“!! After watching the movie, I felt like it was made just for me…for us. It’s about the boxes that people put you in and what you are willing to go through to fit into those boxes. However, being yourself is what makes you unique and just what the world needs.
Going through the process has been uncomfortable for me. I thought knowing my kid’s personalities would help me interact with them and communicate with them better. I didn’t think I was saying you can’t be anything other than that. Changing my language when interacting with her, well, all of them haven’t been easy. I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing. I questioned my parenting style altogether. I want them to love themselves as much as I love them, but Sydney didn’t. I didn’t know how to fix it, and as a mother, I am supposed to know how to fix it; I felt helpless. I prided myself on being this “perfect parent”. How could she not know that she was loved, wanted, worthy, intelligent, beautiful, and talented? I told her and her sisters all the time. I guess she only heard “Sydney is the bubbly, silly, happy-go, lucky kid, she never wants anyone to be sad, and she gives in to her sisters just to keep the peace.”
I wanted to fix it…her like she was broken or something. My life is forever changed now that I fully understand and accept that she is perfect just the way she is. She didn’t always need to be happy or sad. That it’s perfectly normal to visit all the emotions, just don’t unpack. We had to learn how to communicate better. Asking the question, What did you hear me say? and I began to train myself to listen to understand and not to respond. This has taken some practice. Sometimes it comes naturally, and other times I have to put more effort. And guess what, sometimes I fail at it all together and have to apologize. It’s all a part of the process. The mental health journey is just that, a journey.
